Advice from the Assassin
Dear Assassin,
When you have been together for so long, does the fun go away? Do you no longer turn each other on? Do you stop paying attention to one another? How do you try & save a relationship that’s slowly dying when you can't make time to or have enough money to go away to even try & rekindle as a couple.... Help us.
- "Lady Diva" August 2012
It’s one of the most common questions in a relationship. How do you keep the fire burning after the relationship is no longer new? It’s easy to fall into a cycle of repetition and complacency. We’re human, we need structure. No matter how hard we claim to dislike the simplicity of order, we will always fall into it. My advice would be to not mistake the newness wearing off, as a loss of passion. In most cases, the fading of a relationship is not truly due to it getting old. We simply get accustomed to love. We get used to that person being there and begin to take them and love for granted. We stop appreciating that they are there. You may know and feel that you are thankful to have that person in your life and may often think they know, but we take for granted how important it is to show it.
You don’t have to buy expensive gifts or plan big romantic vacations to show how grateful you are to have that person’s love. Just saying it here and there can go a long way. A touch, a kiss, a caress in passing or a daily mantra that the two of you share such as saying “I love you, today” will show that person that they are in your mind. “Unsolicited affection” is showing love with no strings, no wants or desires. There is nothing that person has to do to receive it, other than be loved by you.
After all, loving someone is not about them loving you; it’s about you loving them. This is free. Baking cupcakes for no reason, massaging shoulders for five minutes, a warm bubble bath, all just for them. If you can find the time to work, talk on the phone or smoke a cigarette, you can find the time to show someone that they are loved. As far as money, it never bought a thing.
The misunderstanding regarding love is that love is received, not given. The amazing truth about love is that it must be given of free will, with no expectations. Given in this way, love is a forever replenished experience. If the person you have chosen to share your love with is in agreement, in the simplest term of loving you, then the rest is space, time, and opportunity. You and the person you have chosen to love, and who has chosen to love you, are each responsible for making the time, taking the opportunity, and sharing the space of your own happiness.
I hope this has been helpful, good loving!
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
Is marriage worth it for men in the west? There is a 49% divorce rate where I am from.
- "A Man's World" July 2012
My advice would be to not look at divorce rates. By paying attention to those, you base the strength of your relationship off other people. What do they have to do with you and yours? What divorce rates show is the percentage of people that, either by cultural standards or society, marry for the wrong reasons.
There are people that will say marriage ruins a relationship. That's not true. Marriage isn't the problem, it's the person (and the people that blame marriage are often that person). The issue that occurs is that people start to see each other for who they really are and they learn that they are not who they thought they were.
This is why I recommend living with the person you are considering being with long term. I do understand that this is not always an option (my situation was like that). If you can't live with the woman you want to marry until after you're married, you should be together as much as you can and be totally honest with each other. That honesty has made my marriage strong and more than worth it.
Side note - If you are having to wonder if marriage is worth it, you're not ready to marry.
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
I'm 31 and am really starting to lose hope that I will find someone to be with. I have been in longtime relationships before, one was seven years long and then others were ranging from fourteen months to several months but they just didn't work out. I know that this is how dating goes, but I feel like its never going to end for me.
I come from an abusive family and I would like to find a person to spend the rest of my life with one day. The thought of beginning and then going through my entire life with no one but myself upsets me a lot.
I have no problem attracting men. I am very pretty. I have a lot of interests and I'm smart and kind. I have just not had luck.
I know that I need to be fulfilled in my own life and I do things to give it meaning all the time so I'm constantly learning new crafts and trying new things, going out and trying my hand at photography, etc. But I know that if I want to have children one day, I don't have endless time and no amount of filling my time with things that make me happy is going to change that.
I am often going out alone now though because all but one of my friends has married and moved away, so I need to make new ones, but I'm having a hard time finding other single people my age.
- "Lonely Lady" - July 2012
My advice would be to not abandon all hope, just yet. There is something amazing that occurs when you are in your early thirties (it was eye-opening for me). You will see people differently, you'll deal with them differently, and you'll see yourself as a whole new person. It'll seem like it happened almost overnight.
If you haven't found the person that makes you happy, the early 30's mindset is one of the best attributes that may be used to find him. In truth, you've just reached the point where you're ready to find him. I'd say to go out to the places you like. The social places you like to go, not where you expect men to be. If you're comfortable being solo, go alone and dress like you mean it! Make eye contact with the guys that catch your eye and work on your "come hither" look. That's the look that says you're approachable without being too forward (even the best man can have rejection issues).
Some men tend to not approach groups of women, not out of insecurity but because they wouldn't want to offend the women in the group, they didn't approach. I know its a sad fact but, damn it, we're men! We can't go cutting our chances. If one lady in a group shoots a guy down, he is shot down by the whole group. If you're out with your girls and see a guy who catches your eye, give him the "come hither" look and head off, away from your friends. If he's bold enough to come, give him the time of day. Not saying he'll be the one but he deserves a chance.
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
How can I make my woman get in the kitchen and cook for me?
- "Charming Gentleman" - Feb. 2012
First off, you need to lose the sense of entitlement. I can hear that all over this question. Sounds like you've got a strong conviction of a "woman's place". You can't show her respect and love if you think like this. You may very well love and respect her, but think about it this way; If she felt respected and loved, you wouldn't be asking this question.
To get your woman to cook for you, you need to make her feel like she's wanted and protected. Women tend to be a little strange when it comes to what they think being protected is, verses what makes them feel protected. She may "say" protection is standing up for her or fighting off other people (this behavior can make her feel owned instead of loved) but the things that make women "feel" protected are much more subliminal.
Things like paying bills and keeping track of how much money is being spent. Letting her know when funds are getting low and that things need to tighten up until more money comes in, will do great things for her emotions. If she's paying bills (even if it is with your money) she feels like it's up to her to make sure things are taken care of.
Helping keep your home clean by washing dishes or straightening up for no reason can make her feel cared for. Actions, like that, speak to a woman in a primal sense telling her you're trying to make a home for her.
Knowing that she can relax on certain subjects frees up her energy to do other things... like cooking for her man.
Side note - This can also do great things for you sex life, too.
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
I need a little help with my relationship. I'm 19. I have been living with my " fiancee" now for over a year. We have a child, which is the reason I feel I'm still with him. He's over 1 now. My boyfriend has Aspergers Syndrome which makes it nearly impossible to live with him :(. All he ever does anymore is call me names and get angry with me. I work nearly full time as does he. I pay 90% of our household bills as he just pays his car insurance and his cellphone bill. I have thought about making him leave my OWNED home because he isn't worth letting him mooch anymore.
But I love him, as family, and will always look after him. But I'm not sure what to do about our relationship. He's so mean to me. I cry about it every other day. I thought about recording him and letting close friends hear it so see if it's really that bad. He used to treat his mom this way when we were 16 and 17.
And to come out with the tricky portion... I met somebody at work. I have a crush on him. He has no clue which is the way I want to keep it. He always bumps into me and stuff and one of the first things he said to me was "too bad you're engaged to be married."
Right now, I honestly feel like I'm living with a child. I would be willing to keep him in the home because of his mental illnesses. But come on, he hasn't even graduated high school! I walked my graduation 8 months pregnant.
I need advice. I would never cheat on my current boyfriend, but I need a solution. I don't know what to do! He has been mistreating me since day one of us moving in together. I have even had to call the police once on him, for throwing objects. Help me!
- "Amy" - Jan. 2012
Ok, first off, don't record him and don't worry about if your friends think "it's really that bad". If it makes you feel some kind of way, it's that bad. Getting married in a state of distress is the worst way to start a marriage. He needs to make a change in himself to make the relationship better and you don't need to be there for the journey. He'll need to do that on his own, with no push from you or it won't be worth the time or effort.
Hate to sound like I'm breaking up a family but it may be best if you separate now before your child gets any older (the impact of the split will have less of an impact on a one year old than a five year old). If you stay, you will continue to be miserable and your child will see that. Our children learn everything from us, even how to feel. Do you want to teach that type of emotion as a way of life?
Since you pay 90% of the bills, supporting yourself and your child should be no different than how you live now minus the Asperger's.
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
My parents don't agree with what I want to do. I am not going to college. I told them that I am joining the Marine Corps.They just don't agree, and keep saying, "Well, you might fail boot camp, you're not in great shape". I have been doing PT with Marine Poolee's for 6 months now, and I am in great shape. I am about to go to MEPS. How do I help my parents get over the fact that I am going to be a Marine for as long as I can? I am leaving for Parris Island soon.
- "Jack" - Dec. 2011
Sounds like you've made the choice already and now you want affirmation. Your parents worry. Not because you are joining the military, but because you are entering the real world. You're making grown up decisions while being viewed as a child.
You asked to know how to help your parents get over your joining. The answer is that you don't. Tell them "thank you" for getting you this far and that you will take it from here. You can't make them feel better about your decisions. They are going to have to come to grips with the fact that you have grown up, for themselves. You can't hold yourself responsible for the happiness of anyone other than you. Especially your parents.
We would like to believe that our actions show gratitude for them raising us- that we owe them, but the real fact of the matter is, is that we owe them nothing. You can be thankful to them for your beginning and upbringing but when you boil it down, it's your life. They are always going to care about how you live your life and want to see you successful, but your life will always be yours. Live it.
- The Assassin
Dear Assassin,
Recently my boyfriend has been getting text messages from a girl in the city, that he met twice. He claims that she is one of his best friends and he wants to keep talking to her. He also admitted to me that ever since we began our relationship 9 months ago, she has been trying to break us up so she can have him. He told me himself that he was going to have a talk with her and possibly stop talking to her completely. He has yet to do this.. His excuse is that she is a friend who he can go to with problems, and he knows my concerns. After reading some other advice from the internet I checked his email.
There was an email in there from her. She invited him to her birthday, and claimed that she missed seeing him and talking with him. He claims it is a completely innocent friendship but my instincts are screaming that something is wrong. I don't know how to confront him because he could be lying and I can't tell if he is or not. I also noticed that when he is around me and he gets a text from her, he ignores it. But while he is away from me he texts her more than he texts me in a day.
- "Inukcipuree" - Jun. 2010
At this point he most likely isn't cheating. The email stating, " she misses seeing and talking to him" means he hasn't been giving her as much attention as you think. In his mind he may be thinking he wants to keep his friend but he doesn't want to lose you.
At the same time, this is a woman who has shown a sexual interest in him (We men get kind of stupid when this type of thing happens). He's not going to pursue her in that way. He'll try to hold on to that friendship but it won't take much for it to cross over into something more. My advice would be to talk to him about his friend's intentions (and she does have intentions).
Let him know you trust him, but try to get him to see that keeping a friend like that can and will evolve into something else.
- The Assassin